by David Ley Ph.D.
Why would a man want to watch his wife with another man? The answers are not simple. I confess, the first time I encountered couples who engaged in the practice of cuckolding, I assumed there must be something wrong with the men, the wives, or the marriages. Like most therapists, I had little training in the diversity of sexuality or the impact of sexual shame. Exploring the answers to this question, and confronting my assumptions, changed my career.
In 2007, I encountered a pair of couples who engaged in a unique sexual practice they called “cuckolding.” At the time, the practice of wife-sharing was not commonly discussed outside swinger communities, and the word cuckolding had not been taken over as an insult by conservative right political figures. Both of these couples were remarkably healthy, and had found unique ways to integrate a form of non-monogamy into their marriages. With her husband’s enthusiastic support, the wife had sex with other men, sometimes while the husband watched and joined in, and other times while the husband waited anxiously for a “blow-by blow” report. As nothing existed in the literature describing this sexual practice, I embarked on a journey of research and interviews, learning how and why these couples found this practice so stimulating. That journey ultimately culminated in publication of my first book, Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them.
In the years since, the most common question I receive is, “Why would they do that? How could these men watch their wives have sex with other men?” A common suggestion is that the practice of wife-sharing starts when a husband catches his wife cheating, and finds himself strangely turned on. Although this might happen, it seems to be extremely rare. Sex columnist Dan Savage has often cited the “eroticization of fear” hypothesis: that these men so fear their wives’ infidelity that they actually eroticize the fear in order to reduce the anxiety, managing it through sexuality until they have turned the fear into a sexual fetish. In my book, I encountered only a single man who described this scenario. So again, though it might happen, it seems to be fairly rare.
In talking to actual practitioners, common threads often emerge, primarily driven by factors in the husband’s interest. Even though the practice of wife-sharing focuses on the wife’s sexuality, in my experience it is almost always (99% of the time) prompted by the husband’s request. Wives simply do not often go, unprompted, to their husbands and request permission to have sex with other men. In the research for my book, I heard a variety of reasons for this desire from husbands. Some of the reasons were nice, and some, frankly, were less than pleasant. But it turns out that it is, in fact, very human and understandable for a man to fantasize about his wife with other men.
A discussion of this phenomenon deserves consideration of all the reasons and motivations and an acknowledgment of the rich complexity of this sexual behavior. Based on my research, there are many reasons why men would be interested in watching their wives with other men, including:
Voyeurism – Many folks suggest that we live in a “pornified culture,” where most men of college-age and older have seen pornography and use it as a part of their sexual repertoire. If they are used to such a voyeuristic process in their sexuality, there is some legitimacy to suggesting they may incorporate it into their marital sexuality. Watching your wife have sex with another man may be a next step, or progression, from watching yourselves have sex by having a mirror on the ceiling during sex, then using a video camera during sex, and then finally watching one’s spouse with someone else. Many men told me “My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world to me, I’d rather watch her having sex than some porn actress I don’t know.” Some men involved in the cuckolding scene tell me that they refer to these husbands as “the porn director husband,” because the husband has a visual fantasy in his head that he wants his wife to play out with other men.
Sperm Competition – As authors Christopher Ryan, Terry Gould, and researchers Baker and Bellis have suggested, there is a biological response involved in cuckolding behavior, which affects male sexual drive. After watching his wife with another man, the husband is prompted biologically to have longer, more vigorous sex; has a shorter refractory period between erections; ejaculates harder; and his ejaculate may actually contain more sperm, according to research which has examined the role of competition on sexual performance. Nearly every couple I interviewed told me that after an episode of the wife having sex with another man, the couple felt like they were “in heat.”
The Thrill of the Taboo – There are few things in our society as stigmatized as a husband whose wife is unfaithful. Historically, such men have been beaten, ostracized and ridiculed, and regarded as weak, “sissy men.” Some of the men I interviewed described explicitly that the taboo was the thrill for them–the rush of excitement from the forbidden and the naughty.
Female Empowerment – I was surprised by how many of these couples embraced very powerful feminist principles, and how many of these husbands described the joy they felt at their wife’s increased independence, confidence and assertiveness, stemming from the wife’s freedom to have sex with other men. Many of the men expressed that through their wife’s open sexuality, the couple was actively and consciously rejecting social pressures to suppress female sexuality, assert monogamy and to reinforce patriarchal power.
Bisexuality – In more than half of the men I interviewed, male bisexuality played a role in the husband’s desires to watch his wife have sex with another man. This played out in many different dynamics. Sometimes, bringing a man to bed with the wife was a pretext, a bait and switch if you will, for the husband to then engage sexually with the man as well. In some cases, the husband wanted to be “forced” to be sexual with the other man. Sometimes, the husbands were very concerned about being seen as heterosexual, but spent an awful lot of time looking for well-endowed men for their wife. To my mind, a man who is that focused on the size of other men’s penises may not really be all that straight.
Physical Health Issues – In Lady Chatterley’s Lover, Lord Chatterley was physically unable to have intercourse with his wife. I did see a number of men who reported that due to physical complaints, such as heart conditions, they weren’t able to be as vigorous in bed as they and their wives would like. While the wives, by and large, were happy with things as they were, the husbands often felt their wives’ loss of sexual satisfaction more strongly than the wives themselves, and were motivated to encourage their wives to sleep with other men.
Female Sexual Fulfillment – Women’s sexual capacity is far greater than that of males. The world record for male orgasms is about 26 in a 24-hour period. In some research by Sherfey, some women have documented as many as 60-65 orgasms in a single hour. In my research, I saw many men who reported that their wives were highly sexual beings, with a greater sexual capacity, and it simply turned the husbands on and pleased them to be able to see their wives sexually satisfied, at a degree that a single husband couldn’t match. I speculate that there is also a degree of vicarious experience here – by being a part of the experience, the husband gets to vicariously experience what it’s like to have that greater sexual capacity, and identifies in a strong manner with his wife and the essence of female sexuality in a way that most men never experience.
Masochism – Leopold von Sacher-Masoch was a fan of flagellation and the author of Venus in Furs, a book about dominant women. The term “masochism” comes from his name. Leopold posted ads in German newspapers of the day, looking for “energetic young men” to befriend and pleasure his wife–the counterpart of modern online ads . Leopold’s interest in the experience was specifically the humiliation aspects: being cuckolded, treated as weak, lesser, and not a real man. Like those who seek the rush of the taboo, some cuckolding includes a strong sadomasochistic flavor, where the husbands are dominated, belittled and degraded, resulting in a similar type of excitement.
Financial Motivations – Most of the women working in Nevada’s brothels have husbands and boyfriends at home who benefit from their sexual exploits for pay. The financial part is a piece that can’t be ignored, and it’s been around for a long time. In England, men would sometimes set their wives up to be seduced by a man so that the husband could then sue the man in court. In Florida, in the 1990’s, the sheriff husband of the “Housewife Hooker” hid in the closet videotaping his “nymphomaniac wife” having sex for money with other men (notably Republican politicians) whom the husband then blackmailed. It’s not always about the money, though. A wife interviewed in my first book told me that when she was working as a manager at a brothel, one of the women always called her husband on her cellphone, before bringing a man back to her room for a “party.” Unbeknownst to the man, her husband was getting off listening in on the phone.
The Royalty Perk – In a 1960’s Motown song, the lyrics implore “Save the Last Dance for Me,” as the singer/husband watches his wife dance with other men. Many of the men I interviewed talked about the thrill and the sense of being “king” they derived from having a wife who was so sexy that other men wanted to be with her–but who ultimately came home with him, the husband. Having such a sexy wife made the men feel powerful and successful.
Misogyny – Sadly, I have interviewed some couples where the husband encouraged his wife to have sex with other men in order to degrade and belittle her in a nonconsensual way. Some wives may want to be called a slut and treated like a piece of meat. But these particular husbands did this to their wives in order to “take her down a peg.”
The foundation of the cuckold fantasy is that the men find it deeply arousing and exciting to imagine and witness their partners being sexually fulfilled in ways they alone cannot provide. Sometimes the experience includes elements of submission, voyeurism, or bisexuality. But the cuckold’s core desire is always rooted in wanting his partner to push her own limits of pleasure and ecstasy while the cuckold waits–or watches–with bated breath.
For many people, these desires remain just a fantasy. These fantasies can bring tremendous excitement, thrills and pleasure to a relationship. In other cases, the couple explores the fantasy together and may even attempt to bring it to real life. When that happens, they may experience a powerful jumpstart to their own sexuality as the husband reclaims his wife, confronted with the evidence of her erotic adventures. The excitement of that outside sexual encounter translates to gigawatts of electricity coursing through their shared intimacy.
Research finds that couples who can do this authentically and with integrity, trust, and communication, most often report that the real life experience was positive for both of them. Couples who want to explore these fantasies need to start by talking openly with each other about their own motivations, interests, and desires, from a place of honesty and trust. Finally, this needs to be something that comes from both partners because when a wife merely goes along to satisfy her husband’s interest it rarely, if ever, ends well.
@copyright David Ley Ph.D., Psychology Today