by Allena Gabosch
2017 Keynote Speech for the International Ms. Leather and International Ms. Bootblack Contest
This has to be one of the hardest keynotes I’ve ever written. I had planned to speak about consent, which is an ongoing theme and issue in our various communities. Then a series of events prompted me to change my topic and talk about something that is, I think, of equal importance–but that is not getting addressed as I think it should be.
First, a little background.
Back in 2010, I was the International Ms. Leather Keynote speaker and my speech was entitled “Counting Our Blessings.” I was optimistic about the world and felt that our various communities had a lot to be thankful for. We had a better President than we’d had in years. Our various communities were growing and being seen as less threatening by the general public. Since 2010, we’ve had a shift in how the world looks at BDSM. A 2013 study from the Netherlands showed that BDSM practitioners scored better on certain indicators of mental health than those who were not kinky—the sample group was found to be less neurotic, more open, more aware of and sensitive to rejection, more secure in relationships, and to have better overall well-being. I think that’s pretty awesome.
Now, in 2017, the world has gotten a bit scary–a lot scary really–and there are forces out there who would like to see our various communities go away. And just what are we doing about that? I think we’re making it easier for them, sadly.
First, I want to repeat something I’ve said more than once about the idea of various communities. Many of us have the mistaken idea that there is one Leather Community or M/s Community or Poly Community. That view is, in my opinion, part of the problem I’m going to talk about today–as well as other issues we have in our various communities. I believe the truth is that we have multiple communities in all of these areas. So, for example, I believe there are many communities in the Tribe I’d call “Leather.” Most people acknowledge that there is no “one true way” to be Leather, or M/s, or Poly or whatever, and yet, by calling it a community in the singular sense, it implies unity.
And that brings me to the topic I want to talk about today: the horizontal violence and othering that I am seeing in our various communities.
What do I mean by horizontal violence? Horizontal violence is displaced violence directed against one’s peers rather than one’s true adversaries. It occurs within marginalized groups where members strike out at each other as a result of being or feeling oppressed. The oppressed become the oppressors of themselves and each other.
In horizontal violence, we see common behaviors that prevent positive change from occurring:
- Gossiping
- Bullying
- Finger-pointing
- Backstabbing
- Shunning
We see the inability to celebrate the victories of our peers and, at times, we may even see group members doing things that will pull their peers down, not lift them up. A friend of mine calls this “Crabs in a Bucket” because when one crab tries to climb out of the bucket the other crabs will pull it back down.
Horizontal violence also includes what I call “othering”. Othering is looking down on those whom we feel are not “doing it right” or are “different” in a way that is negative to us in their approach to BDSM or Leather or whatever area it might be. It results in shaming and exclusion, marginalization and subordination.
These behaviors have been on the rise, not only in our various Leather and BDSM communities but also in other marginalized communities.
As an example, the sex worker community has had breakdown after breakdown in the last few years. I was at their Desiree Alliance conference in 2016 and the shaming that came out of the keynote speech created so much negative discourse that scores of people left SWOP, an organization that was created to advocate for sex workers. There were people crying in the hallways and the rest of the weekend became dysfunctional because of the anger and sadness that people were feeling.
Now, the keynote speaker had some very valid points and she had a right to say what she did, as we all do. Sadly, however, she seemed to not recognize the negative impact of her speech—a speech that had few, if any, solutions or suggestions on how to move forward. Because of this, it was mostly just about shaming. We need to take responsibility for our actions and words and think about how they will affect others, especially when we’re leaders and activists.
Another example is the turmoil in a BDSM/Leather community in the western U.S. As in many of these kinds of situations, a problem arises, factions are created, and people begin taking sides and digging in. I have friends on both sides, and as I don’t know all the details I can’t say who might be at fault. What I can say is that publicly calling into question whether someone has a life-threatening illness and driving that person to have to make a public posting of her diagnosis is just unconscionable. It doesn’t matter what happened, nor does it matter who did what to whom—this is horizontal violence at its worst.
This kind of shaming and blaming, this othering and horizontal violence are not limited to one community, though. It is happening in so many of our communities. I’ve seen it in the polyamory community, the goth community, among gamers I know, as well as in the Leather and BDSM communities. It’s on the rise and getting worse.
Othering is particularly insidious because it sneaks into the ways in which we describe ourselves—particularly when we define ourselves by who we AREN’T.
“I’m polyamorous, not a swinger. I’m an escort, not a streetwalker. I’m a stripper, not a whore. I’m a Master, not a top. I’m a kinkster, but I’m not into THAT kind of play.”
Why do we have to describe ourselves by who we are not? Why can’t we talk about who we are and celebrate that, and also celebrate who others are? What are we afraid of? I’ve been in the world of BDSM/Leather for over 25 years and this isn’t new. I’ve seen and talked about how our communities eat their own, how we seem to think that it’s a zero-sum game, how there isn’t enough of whatever we have to go around. It seems to be more prevalent lately, though. Why?
There have been some profound shifts in our world recently. I’ve said that it’s like we’ve gone through a black hole or a time warp to an alternate universe, and it seems that way sometimes.
Some things that have shifted are amazing. Marriage equality is one example. The legalization of pot in many of our states is another. And I would have never expected to hear our Attorney General or our former President talk positively about transgender rights. But when we have positive forward movement, there is always a backlash. It’s inevitable—when we make steps forward, there are those who want to push us back.
And that is what we are seeing all over the world today. The advent of the Trump presidency in the U.S. is just part of it. There seem to be nationalist movements in countries all over the world. Trump is just one of many leaders who (intentionally or not) are fomenting racism, sexism, homophobia and other forms of violence.
What does this have to do with our communities and this topic? Well, as I said, horizontal violence is committed by those who feel marginalized, and all of the communities I’ve mentioned are more marginalized than ever.
Even though we’ve made great strides in public awareness and are working at changing the laws through organizations like the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, we are all feeling the brunt of the changes in our political system, and in our country and the world at large. Overt acts of racism, sexism, xenophobia, and the like are more prevalent than ever. We are more likely to be targeted because of our sexual lifestyles than ever before–especially those of us who are doubly or triply marginalized.
In response to these things, we may react by lashing out—but not at those who are out to get us. No, we lash out at each other. We bully, we other, we shame, we shun. We will not survive if we continue on this path. We will do their work for them and destroy ourselves so they don’t have to. They win if we eviscerate ourselves.
So what do we do? We fight back. We become part of local protest and political action groups and we do our best to be politically and socially aware. More importantly, we take a good long look at ourselves. What can we do as individuals, leaders, and communities to improve our lot and stop the horizontal violence and othering?
Here are a few places to start.
To end othering, we have to realize that ALL of our kinks are okay as long as they are consensual. We have to acknowledge that no one way is better than another way. We need to talk to each other and get to know that person who does “it” really differently than us. It’s hard to other someone when you understand who they are and why they do what they do.
We need to realize that we do not have to be better than someone else to be great. There is enough greatness to go around.
The horizontal violence is a bit tougher because sadly, it’s pretty ingrained in our communities. We need to start by understanding that there really is room for everyone. We can still have our separate spaces–we can have M/s space or queer space or little space—and celebrate our uniqueness. What we can’t do is bully, backstab, gossip, and drag down other groups in an effort to “win.” When that happens, there are no winners.
We need to be conscious of those around us and how our words and actions may affect them. We need to actively listen and be present with others and allow them to thrive–even if we feel we are not thriving at the time. We also need to talk to those who hold different political views than we do. Believe it or not, not all kinksters are liberals.
Within our communities, we need to be more proactive AND reactive. We should have policies in place to prevent common issues like consent violations and othering and horizontal violence from occurring and have mediation policies for when they do. When an issue does arise, it needs to be addressed immediately and transparently–not allowed to fester and infect the whole community.
We need to educate ourselves, our leaders, and our communities on nonviolent communication, intersectionality, and social justice practices.
Individually, we need to speak up immediately when we notice inappropriate behavior, even when it’s from a leader–especially when it’s from a leader. We need to hold our leaders to high standards. In some cases, those who rise to leadership are personalities, not leaders. We need to be active in monitoring this and we need to be willing to ask them to step down if they cannot grow and learn. We need to monitor and take responsibility for our own words and actions.
A good friend sent me this letter recently that shows how even the best of our leaders can affect people negatively by othering and unintentional horizontal violence.
This is what he sent me:
I was at an event a couple years ago and decided to attend a workshop on Leather History put on by several of my long-time friends. If I remember correctly, there were 3 men and 1 woman–all were gay and all extremely well-respected Leatherfolk. I personally know and had great respect for all of them. To my complete surprise, all of these folks began some serious het-bashing. Their rants included:
Hets had no right to wear leather
Hets had no right to pretend that Leather History was their history
Hets mess up the energy in play spaces and should create their own space
That was the gist of it–that hets had no right to be in the Leather Community and should create something else for themselves. There were no exceptions stated–it was “all”, not “most” or “with some exceptions”.
I was dumbfounded. Here I was, sitting in the front row – a national titleholder and presenter, former NCSF staffer, contributor to LA&M, a het, and someone who always gave full and accurate credit to the gay community that came before me in every single interaction or workshop I conducted.
I haven’t attended a community event since, and probably won’t.
I’m sure none of the people on the panel meant for anyone to react this way. Most of our othering and horizontal violence is not intentional, but we need to be conscious of how our words may affect others. You’ll notice that I haven’t named anyone in my talk today because it’s not my intent to shame anyone for their actions–it’s to make everyone aware that there are things that need to be done to make our communities stronger.
We have to be willing to change. We have to be willing to put our egos aside and admit that we are not all-powerful and all-knowing. We have to be willing to make mistakes and compromises. We have to look at some of our institutionalized ways of being and see where we can make positive change.
I’m going to do my part. I will freely admit that I “other” people at times. I make jokes about overly-pompous Dominants and “One True Way” poly people and that is not how change comes about. It comes through education, talking and patience. It comes with being willing to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. It means acknowledging not only the wisdom of our elders but the wisdom of our younger members who bring totally new and exciting voices to our various communities. There IS room for all of us, no matter what we think.
I have a personal mission statement. It is to bring joy to sexuality and to make a difference in the world. I challenge all of you to look and see what you can do to affect change in your communities, your leaders, and yourselves. Ask yourself,
What is my personal mission statement?
How can I make a difference in the world?
@copyright Allena Gabosch, https://allenagabosch.wordpress.com/