by Gloria Brame
It is a joy to be here and to see you all in community! Yay for us — for our resilience and our determination to move ahead in our journeys.
First, I’d like to thank the good people who organized Colorado LeatherFest for inviting me! Thanks especially to Xiaoyi Drake who was very kind and helpful. Finally, thanks to all of you for showing up! Please accept my virtual hugs. I’m happy to be here. I love you!
There may not be much joy in our country or times right now, but the simple act of connecting with Community is a precious opportunity to forget about the bad out here and explore the goodness in this space.
The theme of my keynote is connections, so I will focus on the vital importance of keeping your connections vibrant during difficult times. It applies to what we are experiencing with COVID, of course, which I guess can best be described as a non-consensual mind-fuck of epic proportion, but really it applies to any time we feel insecure, anxious, or in crisis over events in the world.
First, the bad news. Everyone is stressed out about everything. We are living through historic times — as in “holy crap, wtf, now what?” As a therapist, I can tell you people who never had stress are feeling overwhelmed with worries and fears. People in lockdown are especially vulnerable if they don’t have partners living with them or find themselves hungering for touch.
Now the good news. The power of connections — community connections, and one-to-one human connections — is a natural remedy to lower stress and feelings of isolation. It is critical for anyone who is missing their BDSM friends, their lovers, their play partners, and their community in general.
Since I started my SM life online in the 1980s, and met my life partners online, I have lived the power of Internet connections. Going forward, I think we all need to exploit all the Internet’s options for connecting by making online meetings and events our new normal. Just think of Zoom, Skype, Discord, and Google hangouts as technology’s gift to the chronically kinky.
FOLLOW THESE STEPS for an enriching virtual experience
1 Attend all the events like this one! Many BDSM/fetish groups around the country are hosting official meetings that fill up with awesome people. I’ve attended ones from MAST-New York and MAST-Palm Springs and I know the NCSF just co-hosted a summit conference on consent. Don’t miss out on opportunities like this to connect with the national Community and any groups local to you who are now hosting live online events.
2 Go outside your usual stomping grounds and connect with BDSM communities that are new to you, locally or internationally. Expand your networks and join groups whose agendas you support. There is so much work waiting to be done all over the globe to advance diversity within the Community, to defend civil rights for kinksters around the glove, and to end universal stigmatization of kinky sex. If you want a fuller life, get out there and connect with a cause that gives you hope for a better future.
3 Host your own classes and meetings. You don’t have to wait to be invited. Pick a subject you really want to talk about, invite a few good friends, and go! You can even let them invite some trusted friends. Replace weekly live meetings hosted by other people and run your own, more intimate BDSM schmooze-fests.. Limit their size to people you know and who are share your specific kinks. A small group gives everyone a face and a voice.
As important as it is to connect with other people, connecting with your own beautiful self is a powerful tool to lighten the mental overload of society. Instead of stressing about things you can’t control, focus on improving your own life in small ways. Maybe that means playing more with your fur babies, maybe it means getting back to your art or music, or maybe it’s making a Zoom dinner date with an old kink friend you haven’t seen in ages. Perhaps you know some elders, disabled, or other vulnerable members of our Community who are alone and would appreciate a check-in from you.
Challenge yourself to learn some new skills — they could be nifty rope techniques or learning a new language or, perhaps, figuring out the mystery of life! Anything is possible if you put your mind to it, right?
Most of all, take really good care of the body you travel in because you need it to connect with others in the first place! No one wants to play with disembodied kinksters — or do they?
Kidding aside, learning to have a good time at home every day — even when the world outside seems to be falling apart, maybe especially when it is — is a key survival skill. Learn how to do that: how to experience joy even when there’s no good reason for it except being alive. It’s a spiritual place. And a great excuse to drink a glass of wine.
Connect, connect, connect, to yourself and others. Connecting with others gives us the courage to survive. Connecting with our own core will prepare you to return to 3D Community stronger and more centered than ever. Stay safe. Stay strong. You are needed and you are loved.