by Guy Baldwin, M.S.
“If it ain’t fun, you ain’t doin ‘ it right. ” -The Mistress Carolyn
From TIES THAT BIND: SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style Issues, Commentaries, and Advice, Guy Baldwin, M.S., also printed in Issue 112 of DRUMMER, January 1988.
As if SM relationships weren’t already complex enough, many of you who are relationship oriented must, at some point, come to terms with the ever-present problem of purism. I refer to the need some folks have to make judgments as to whether your relationship is a “true SM relationship” or if you are a “true Master” or a “true masochist” or a “real slave” or “really into the scene.”
Sometimes, it seems as if a great conclave had been held somewhere at which time standards for perfection were somehow agreed upon (imagine that!). One would think that a group of people at that gathering were selected as Judges, selected on the basis of some sort of erotico-ideological purity to enforce ideals of SM correctness. Over the years, the letters printed in Drummer bear this out. Recently, there was yet another letter from yet another slave acting as Judge regarding the bottom correctness of a person he had never even met.
As a therapist, I see plenty of unpleasant fallout when people in relationships, or wanting them, try to fit themselves into two-dimensional ideals. For example, one purist ideal suggests that a “true slave” obeys his master’s every command. None of those Judges out there had to sit with me in the therapy room as I counseled a young man, who, earnestly wanting to prove to a Top that he was slave material, got himself arrested for following an order that was irresponsible.
There is also some notion among the purist Judges that so-called “true” Masters and/or Tops never switch or go under, or do otherwise “bottom” things. Certainly some of the Judges frown when Tops tell their bottoms to pinch tits or slap ass. And the Judges go positively crazy when Tops switch their keys to enter a relationship as a bottom.
Likewise, bottoms who come out as Tops are often not taken seriously by other bottoms until a decent (?) interval of time has passed; he is Judged to be unpredictable or not authentic or some such. There are even Judges who have put Tops down for kissing bottoms.
It is at once amusing, ironic and depressing to recognize that some in the SM/leather scene employ the same oppressive you-are-not-OK tactics to standardize SM behaviors that nonSM people use to “normalize” us. One would think that we get enough of that judgmental ism from outside the SM community; surely we don’t have to do that to each other.
The last time I checked, I noticed that there was no single right way to do anything. There seem to be lots of ways to be a real slave, or Master, or rock star, or stock broker or anything else. Relationships are no different. The definitive rule book has not and cannot be written. The range of human variability is too wide. SM and SM relationships will not be boxed in by the Judges no matter how much they may pontificate.
Only you are qualified to assess the correctness of a relationship that you are in. After all, only you could possibly possess the information about how the relationship feels. There are lots of people out there both gay and straight who have so called “correct” relationships, and who also just happen to be miserable as hell. The better litmus test is whether or not the relationship works for you, and not whether it conforms to someone else’s ideal.
Let me illustrate. I have seen two Masters each having dinner with their slaves at two separate tables in the same restaurant. Naturally, the waiters at each table placed menus before both Master and slave. At one table, the slave picked up his menu and gave it, unopened, to his Master. The Master ordered dinner for both and later, paid the check. At the other table, the Master picked up his menu, unopened, and handed it to his slave. The slave ordered dinner for both, and later, it was he who paid the check. We see at once that each Master and slave have worked out this situation very differently. Though the form of each relationship appears opposite, apparently, both are correct for the people involved.
In SM relationships, as in life, things are not always what they seem. This fact is what makes Judging relationships both difficult and silly. I know Tops who order their bottoms to wear white sneakers into leather bars as a humiliation-does that mean the bottoms aren’t “really into the scene?” I also know of very sadistic Tops who are not into leather at all, who will go into bars in casual wear with their leathered out bottoms and proceed to work their submissives over in public. According to the old guard stereotypes, it looks like the preppie ought to be the bottom, or even vanilla, but then, in this instance, it turns out otherwise. It is still true what they say about books and their covers.
If for some reason, it works for a bottom to dress on the left, then who is to challenge? Perhaps he wants to fend off novice Tops that night, or needs to switch for the first time in a while. If Tops want rings in their whatevers, then that must be their prerogative. Who says that it’s the Top in relationships who has the best judgment in all matters? We all know that in some things bottoms may have some superior ability that wise Tops will not want to waste just to prove who is boss.
Your relationships in kinky life must be free to take whatever form is needed to meet your needs and the needs of your partner(s). That form must also be free to evolve as you grow and change. You who are willing and able to be that free and flexible deserve praise for your honesty, love, commitment, and imagination. The Judges who shake their fingers at those who may shape their relationships to the beat of a different drummer are simply revealing the choices they make for themselves. Variation can add richness to the scene, and we will do better to encourage experimentation and diversity than to scold those who leave the stereotypes behind in their own search for happiness and satisfaction m the world of SM relationships.
Read all four essays in the Baldwin Collection
1 – Old Guard: Origins, Tradition, Mystique, and Rules
2 – Let’s Not Take the Olde Guard Judges Too Seriously
3 – Classical Leather Culture Revisited
Guy Baldwin has been a history-maker and Leather icon in the BDSM Community since the 1980s. The holder of numerous important awards, and an inductee in the Leather Hall of Fame, Guy is a therapist by profession and the author of two classic BDSM books.
TIES THAT BIND: SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style Issues, Commentaries, and Advice, Guy Baldwin, M.S.
SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude, principles, skills and tools By a grateful slave, with Guy Baldwin, M.S., Introduction and Afterward by Patrick Califia, M.A. Additional material by Joseph Bean